Say Goodnight Not Goodbye
by Pam Marks
Summary: Tissues may be required on this one...it's not what ya think....


**Disclaimer:** I am not making any money off this story just like I have not made any money off my previous ones in less you wanna count the money that was donated to the Pam is so broke and down on her luck fund which is currently at zero dollars so anyone who wants to donate please fill free to do so. 

**Authors Note:** This is a story that resulted from me listening to a sad song during a not so good time of the month...thanks a lot Jacks! Also because SOMEONE made my favorite character a cheating SOB and I HAD to retaliate with something! Hmmm I wonder who that could be! 'coughs' Jacks. 'coughs' 

**Say Goodnight Not Goodbye**

**By: Pam Marks**

I'm going to miss his smile most of all. That too bright loving innocent smile that always brightened up my day and made it great even if it had been bad before. Yeah that's defiantly what I am going to miss most of all a long with the way he would laugh at my jokes even when they weren't funny even lame. I'm going to miss the way he would snuggle up to me in his sleep as if he was counting on me to protect him even when he was sleeping even though he was the one that had protected me for all those years. I'm going to miss the way he kissed me as if there was no one else in the world he wanted to kiss other then me. I'm going to miss the way his hands felt in mine. I'm going to miss his eyes those beautiful brown orbs that were seeping with love and warmth that seemed to draw everyone he met in. I'm going to miss all the lazy afternoons we had together when all we did was sit around the house and talk and love on each other. I'm going to miss my best friend. __

Say goodnight not good-bye   
You will never leave my heart behind   
Like the path of a star   
I'll be anywhere you are

"Shhh Tommy. Shhh. Calm down baby. Shhh. Just calm down. I'm here. I'm right here." As another tear streaks down my pale gaunt face following the path of its brothers I try in vain to sooth my wheezing in pain calling out for me lover by running my fingers thru his wet with sweat hair as I take him in my arms and hope it's not for the last time. I know the end is very near for him but the ever-hopeful side of me is still latching onto the hope that he'll make it. The doctors said that they don't expect him to live through the night and all the guys have left not wanting to see their great leader and friend take his finale breath as they all had been present when Billy.... lost his fight. Tommy would be too much for them and I understand why. They had already watched as one of there dear friends died and they simply couldn't do it again. Rocky had tried to get me to leave with him but I couldn't leave Tommy. I know they're all worried about me and they have their reasons to be but Tommy was there for me when I needed him after Billy left and now it's my turn to be there for him. I joked to Kim that I had already watched one of my loves die I could watch another one do the same but even as I said these words my heart crunched in my chest. 

God! He shouldn't be dieing! Not like this! Not now! He's only twenty-nine years old damn it! He has so much to live for! He shouldn't be sick and he shouldn't be leaving me like this. I shouldn't be losing another lover to death! It isn't right! Why him? Why now? We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. We made plans and we had dreams together. I love him and he promised me he wouldn't leave me...like Billy did. 

_In the spark that lies beneath the coals   
In the secret place inside your soul   
Keep my light in your eyes   
Say goodnight not good-bye_

I know it's not his fault he got sick just like it wasn't Billy's fault that a guy decided to drive drunk but it isn't fair. Why do I have to lose everyone I care about? Tommy taught me how to love again after Billy died. He quit his job in New York, sold his condo there, and moved back home to move in with me just so I wouldn't be alone after I slit my wrists the day after the funeral. Tommy had been the one to come by that day and had been the one to find me lying on the white tiled floor of the bathroom bleeding. God I'll never forget the fear in his voice then as he wrapped towels around my wrists and called 911 begging me to hold on. Tommy put his whole life on hold for me after that and took care of me during a time when I didn't want to live anymore. He was the one that dragged me out of bed morning after countless morning and got me to work. He was the one that made sure I was never alone at any time. He was the one that held me when I got so depressed that I started to cry with out knowing why. Tommy stayed by my side through it all and now he's leaving me too. 

"Jase?" As the barely there raspy whisper echo's through the room I take a deep breath trying to remain strong for him as he was for me all those years ago. 

"Yeah baby." I barely get the choked words out but somehow I do as another tear streaks down my cheek. God how am I going to go on with out him? 

"I love you very much." When those breathless words pass by his lips I look down slowly and see his eyes slide shut one last time as he takes a deep breath and then is still against me. 

"I love you too." I whisper my voice agony laced before I hug his limp form to me tightly and hear my heart shatter completely in my chest before the old familiar wrenching sobs start to escape me. 

_Don't you fear when you dream   
Waking up is never what it seems   
Like a jewel buried deep   
Like a promise meant to keep_

He's gone. He's really gone. Even now when I'm sitting here on the green grass looking at his fresh grave I can't make myself believe it. It's been a weak since the god awful funeral but yet I can't make myself believe that Tommy Oliver is gone forever. I promised him though. When he got bad sick he made me promise that I wouldn't try to take my life again and that I would go on living if he passed and I had promised him as I told him that he was crazy and that he wasn't going to die. Back then I had actually believed that. I had hope that maybe the cancer would stop spreading or that the chemo would start working but none of it had stopped the cancer from eating him whole. None of it stopped an unseen monster from taking my Tommy away from me. 

_You are everything you wanna be   
So just let your heart reach out to me   
I'll be right by your side   
Say goodnight not goodbye_

Slumping into the cool apartment out of the pouring rain I sigh as nothing but silence meets me and Tommy doesn't come rushing out of the bedroom to meet me a bright smile on his face eager to tell me about his day. God. Why does it hurt still? Why is this god-awful pain still in my heart? It's been three months and god some of the pain should be gone now. When Billy died the pain had let up by now but...but Tommy was around then to help and...God! This isn't right! Damn it! He should be here! He promised me! "You here me up there Oliver! God damn it you fucking promised me you wouldn't leave me! You ass hole!" I scream up at the ceiling of my kitchen before I grab a plate of the counter and heave it into the wall and watch it shatter before I fall to the floor in a boneless heap to sob my guts out. I want Tommy! God I've never wanted anything else like I want him right now. I want him to pick me up off the floor, wipe my tears away with his soft gentle fingers, and put me to bed holding me the whole time. I want him damn it! We were going to be happy! Fuck! We were gonna grow old together and sit on a front porch of a rest home somewhere together rocking in our rocking chairs side by side! We deserved that! It's not fair! Damn it! It's not fair! "Tommy!" 

_You are everything you wanna be   
So just let your heart reach out to me   
Keep my light in your eyes   
Say goodnight not goodbye_

I can't take it anymore. I don't care that I promised him! I have nothing to live for without him! It's been six months and nothing has changed and I'll never love anyone else ever again! Never so what's the fucking point? The others have moved on with their lives and have gone back to there families. Hell even Kim went home the day of the funeral right after it was over she was gone home back to her oh so perfect husband and two kids that she never stopped talking about the whole time she was here. She meant everything to Tommy and she treated him like dirt even in fucking death! God ok getting bitter here Jason isn't going to help anything. Must keep calm. Taking a shaky breath I retrieve Tommy's old switchblade from our dresser drawer that his grand dad had passed down to him and wetting my lips walk into the bathroom before shutting the door behind me. Soon Tommy I'll be with you again. Soon baby. 

Starting the warm water I plug the tub and watch with shiny eyes as it feels before I shut the water off. Setting the knife down on the side of the tub I stand and quickly shed my robe letting it drop to the floor. Climbing in the tub I sit down and let the warm water sooth me for a little bit remembering how Tommy always loved to give me candle light sponge baths. Smiling at the memory I pick up the switchblade with very steady hands and open it. Staring at the shiny blade in the dim light of the bathroom I smile, as no one will save me this time. Tommy won't come running in and wrap towels around my bleeding wrists and call 911. No, my hero is dead and so am I. With that thought I swallow before I quickly slice both of my wrists open and watch with stone cold eyes as the blood starts to trickle out from the wounds quickly. Dropping the bloody knife to the tile floor of the bathroom, I lay back in the tub and shut my eyes as the blood gushes out of me into the warm water of the tub. Soon baby. Soon. 

_Say goodnight not goodbye_


End file.
